Al's Top 100 Least Favorite Movies Part 5

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Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

19: House of the Dead

When talking about the worst filmmaker of all time, the one and only Uwe Boll, there’s just no avoiding talking about House of the Dead. Even in this day and age, with Boll pumping out halfway-decent films like Rampage and Postal, everybody will still dismiss his talents and potential because they’ll remember how bad House of the Dead was.  And that’s just as well:  House of the Dead is awful! Its story is as simple and dumb as it could be, lacking in any sense of logic.  Characters serve merely as zombie-fodder (and that’s just as well, because they are stupid).  This production is so cheap, a bunch of kids with a camera in the woods could have made this movie.  But the one thing I really despise about this specific film is that they’ve inserted video game footage at random points.  Is this meant to remind us that this movie was based on a game? Good job…now you’ve ruined any sense of immersion the movie had.  Not that it had much to begin with.  It’s just one of many bad artistic choices made in a bad movie.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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18:  Starship Troopers 2:  Hero of the Federation

The first Starship Troopers was a blast.  Even with its over-the-top cheese, the movie is satirical, self-conscious, and a whole lot of fun.  This sequel seems to throw it all out the airlock, as it takes on the form of a really bad B-rated horror film.  Its connection with the first film is practically nonexistent, just as any sense of story or characterization is nonexistent.  Even worse, the action is nonexistent, leaving hardly any redeeming value.  Poor filming and special effects do not help either.  Do you want to know more? Check out ST:  Marauder instead; still looks cheap, but it is at least entertaining.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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17:  Epic Movie

I think my gripes for this parody movie are the same as my gripes for the other parody movies listed above:  a poorly-constructed plot built around lampooning multiple popular films, resulting in a stupid story with bad characters, all made in poor quality.  Worse yet, the film failed to induce laughter.  Or should I say, EPIC FAIL?

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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16:  Meet the Spartans

It seemed as though these movies came out relentlessly, one after another, like a fierce Persian army.  Spoofing 300 and a billion pop-culture references, this movie sets out to make fun of every living thing with the ferocity of King Leonidas.   While the jokes do manage to eek out a few chuckles, the film itself is so stupid, it practically becomes an embarrassment to watch.  To say nothing about the cheap filming and production values.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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15:  Alone in the Dark

This is another disaster of a film that Uwe Boll is well-known for.  Just like with his previous film House of the Dead, this film is as cheap and stupid as they come. Alone in the Dark tries so hard to entertain; it starts off with a slick-looking car chase and lots of okay-looking special effects.  There are lots of shooting and lots of monsters and stuff.  The problem is, the film feels too much like a bunch of random scenes cobbled together without any real narrative or sense of progression; therefore, we got no plot, a weak story, and bad characters.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Awful | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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14:  Ninja’s Creed (Royal Kill)

You’d think that movies about ninjas would be fun and thrilling, but there’s sadly very little ninja combat in this film.  In fact, there’s very little of anything; very little story, very little characterization, and chances are they had very little budget.  The film plays out as if a bunch of guys hung around Washington DC and filmed stuff, hoping to make a story out of it.  What story they made didn’t make much sense, and it’s especially wacky how they cheaply inserted fantasy art in between scenes to cover up the plot holes.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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13:  Category 7

After a while, all these cheap sci-fi disaster movies tend to run together.  Like every other film I’ve listed, this one is riddled with stupidity and cheapness.  Oh yeah, there are some cool scenes of mass destruction; if bad special effects are your thing, this film might appeal.  For the most part, however, the constant downpour of bad films has long ago drowned out my interest in these.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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12:  The Brink

This B-movie offers the interesting premise, in which Thomas Edison once invented a contraption that could communicate with the dead.  Supernatural killings ensue.  Sadly, the film’s execution didn’t hold my interest well enough; the story is told quite weakly, and the film doesn’t look very good.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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11:  Apocalypse Mercenaries

Well, there are a lot of shootouts and explosions in this film.  It’s a shame that it’s very poorly-shot, with laughable writing and acting, and cheap-looking sets and effects.  The story itself comes off as a cheap and cheesy Guns of Navarone rip-off.  Well, you might as well go watch that movie instead, because this one is all around very weak!

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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10:  Vampires:  Los Muertos

This sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires plants Jon Bon Jovi in as the main hero, in place of James Woods.  And…that’s pretty much it; nothing else about this film stands out at all.  Not much action, not much story, and not much quality.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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09:  Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Om nom nom!

Oh yeah, if anything’s memorable about this tripe, it’ll be the novel concept of a gargantuan shark fighting against a monstrous octopus.  There are a few surprisingly epic scenes, as the Mega Shark leaps out of the water and catches a passenger airliner out of the sky, and goes on to devour the Golden Gate Bridge.  But, these scenes are very short.  The actual smackdown between the two beasties is comprised of bad special effects that get repeated over and over again.  As far as the rest of the film goes, it becomes a borefest, filled with characters I couldn’t care less about, made unwatchable by a camera that just won’t sit still.  Of all the bad sci-fi disaster movies out there, this one takes the cake.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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08:  Battle Warrior (Mission Hunter II)

This is a movie about a bunch of burly soldiers going into a jungle to rescue somebody.  Or something like that.  You know, I’d love to say more about this movie, but I couldn’t see a darn thing in it! Maybe this is a problem with the cheap and shoddy DVD copy, as everything was dark, as if completely filmed at the wrong exposure.  Even if you manage to see anything, there’s nothing much to see.  There is action, but not much movement in the story or characters.  The film is cheap and shoddy.  And, if you’re expecting to see Tony Jaa in the mix, don’t bother, since his role is very minor.  If you turn the English dubbing on, you will be blessed with some of the most hilariously bad tracks of all time (featuring a guy trying very hard to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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07:  Murder by Television

That’s right, your TV can kill you! But not through cancer or melting of the brain, as some might think; this mystery story asserts that the camera turned into a death-ray of some kind.  Yep, it’s that stupid.  This oldie is a mystery film, so the characters spent all their time wandering around, wondering “whodunit?” As a result, the film is dull and lifeless, save for the hilariously bad moments of stupidity or cheesiness.  Look out for Bela Lugosi’s performance, which seems every bit as cheesy and laughable as his role in Dracula. In this day and age, the film is especially loathsome for stereotyping certain characters.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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06:  Vampires:  The Turning

Yikes, they made yet another sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires! Only this time, it takes place in Thailand, and it throws in martial arts and biker gangs into the mix.  Sounds fun, right? Sadly, the film came off as dull, with a bad story and bad craftsmanship.  At this point, it has absolutely nothing to do with Carpenter’s original film.  Of course, it’s also totally unmemorable.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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05:  Machine Head

It's not a tumor!

“Let’s stick a lawnmower on somebody’s head! Yeah, that’s a great movie!” Not.  Oh sure, it sounds like a weird, novel, funny thing to watch, but it’s actually quite boring, plotless, and lacking in quality.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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04:  I Could Read the Sky

It’s the random mumblings and fragmented memories of some old fart.  The whole film is done in a weird, trippy style, which I guess is meant to resemble personal memories, so everything has a hazed, vignette look, and filmed from the main character’s point-of-view.  The problem is, most shots I recall focus on simple things with very tight angles, so you never really see many other character or any scenes in full view.  Maybe this is done on purpose for that “memory” effect, but I thought it was a cheap way to string together a narrative using the bare minimum of footage.  Speaking of narrative, the main character’s monologue runs through the whole picture, and it is dull! Combined with the weird style and imagery, the film overall came off as annoying.  I couldn’t even tell you what the plot was, because it’s just too random and nebulous.  Nope, I hate this film, and can’t see the joy in watching it.

Entertainment:  Very Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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03:  Hard Gun

So, if this is Hard Gun, what constitutes a soft gun?

If you turn on the English dubbing for this movie, it becomes a comedy so hilarious, it has to be seen to be believed.  Without that track, however, the film is just a dull, plotless mess.  Once again, don’t go in expecting to see much of Tony Jaa, even though his face is plastered all over the DVD cover.  It does have some action and nifty stuntwork, but not enough to maintain interest.  The story is all over the place, and even includes scenes that could have been cut out completely.  It’s poorly-filmed, poorly-acted, and made very cheaply.  The movie even stole all its music from another movie (blatantly using tracks from Eric Serra’s GoldenEye soundtrack).

Entertainment:  Very Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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02:  Blair Witch Project

Excuse me while I stick my eyeball in the camera...

And horror fans everywhere are lamenting, wondering why I would list this revered film near the bottom of my list.  Chances are that if I got caught up in the hype of 1999, and I viewed the movie as “real” found footage, it probably would have scared the pants off of me.  Now that the cat’s out of the bag, and we all know that this is all staged, the film struggles to maintain its creepiness.  Without the illusion of reality, the film loses its edge, the way a William Castle movie loses its edge without the physical gimmicks they used to pull on the audience.  And in the end, that’s all this movie is:  a prank, and all audiences of 1999 who actually believed in the Blair Witch were punk’d.  Regarding the film itself, I found it dry and boring, with a plot that never really engaged, and filled with characters who are completely unlikable.  I especially hated the young woman who just kept screaming and cursing at the others for minutes on end.  And with the mock-authentic hand-held camerawork, the film is erratic, ugly, and annoying to watch.  In fact, that’s my final stance on this film:  it’s annoying to watch.

Entertainment:  Awful | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Marginal 

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And the #1 worst movie is.....

01:  BloodRayne 2:  Deliverance

Deliver us from bad filmmaking!

That’s right, Uwe Boll, the man commonly thought to be the worst director in the world, directs my least-favorite movie.  His first BloodRayne film was a travesty in itself; a rip-roaring romp of blood n’ guts at times, but poorly paced, and it bore little semblance to the original video game.  In this follow-up, Boll brought the character to the American west, with surprisingly dull results.  There’s hardly any action in this movie, and without a substantial plot, the movie overall is one boring experience.  The film looks like it was filmed by a crew of drunken monkeys.  Acting ranges from being really dull to being hilariously cheesy.  If there’s any redeeming value to this film, it’d be in Zach Ward’s amusing performance as the villain, and some very slight sex appeal from Natassia Malthe.  However, picking out any joy in this film is like panning for gold; you’ll be lucky to find anything worthwhile.  Offering hardly any good entertainment value, a poor story, and poor craftsmanship, there truly is no better candidate for the worst movie of all time.

Entertainment:  Awful | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Low

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So there you have it: 100 films that I loathe.  A few of these do have a strong following among film buffs (namely Lost in Translation, L'avventura, and...*sigh*...Blair Witch Project), and others have a strong cult following; I won't deny that cases like these are simply a matter of taste.  A lot of what's here are pretty trashy - sometimes with a "so bad it's good" appeal or novelty.  I'm sure the majority of you readers will be glad to not make your acquaintance with such films.  As for myself, even though it may seem like a tremendous waste of time to sift through so much garbage, I am actually pretty grateful for it.  Were it not for all the bad films, the good films would not resonate as strongly as they do.  Thank you for reading!